Today is my birthday. I’ve always been a fan of the bittersweet story, of the Blues, and of the Fado (called Portuguese blues by some, the fado is a music genre usually linked to the Portuguese word saudade which refers to the feeling of longing for something or someone that you love, and which is lost). These all seem to be lovely, if maudlin, ways to give expression to a glass-half-empty kind of perspective. Combine that outlook with another birthday, and you get two concepts which I think aptly describe my preoccupations at my present stage in life:
The first is esprit d’escalier. This is the perfect comeback to a comment that you only think of after the opportunity to use it. These are words that only come to you when you’re lying in bed at 3 a.m. and it’s too late to use them. One can accumulate a bunch of these over a lifetime, and one can even extend the concept to apply to a bunch of opportunities one missed by not being ready for them when they presented themselves.
The second is torschlusspanik. This is a German word which has the literal translation “gate-closing panic,” and refers to the fear of diminishing opportunities as one ages. Yes, I can read all the young adult books I want, but I will never ever again be able to experience a first love, or even a young, naive, un-cynical love. I can’t take off for parts unknown without any cares and responsibilities and travel the world or conquer new physical or mental vistas that take years and youth to attain. I can’t study a new subject or feel righteous outrage without thinking, “but what’s the point?”
For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.”
Ah well, as Prufrock concluded:
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.I do not think that they will sing to me.”
But, I’ll say this. As melancholy as I tend to be, reading beautiful words or hearing wonderful music can always make me feel sated and relatively content. And a nice big piece of carrot cake (no raisins, coconut, or pineapple, please) doesn’t hurt, either.
Here is one of my favorite recipes for carrot cake, from The Silver Palate Cookbook, with my own adaptations added in parentheses.
(10 to 12 portions)
Butter, for greasing the pan
3 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
3 cups sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon baking soda
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1-1⁄2 cups corn oil
4 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1-1/2 cups shelled walnuts, chopped
1-1/2 cups shredded coconut
[I omit this]
1-1/3 cups puréed cooked carrots
[I use jars of baby food carrots]
3/4 cup drained crushed pineapple
[I omit this]
Cream Cheese Frosting (recipe follows)
1. Preheat the oven to 350°F. Grease two 9-inch springform pans.
2. Sift the dry ingredients into a bowl. Add the oil, eggs, and vanilla. Beat well. Fold in the walnuts, coconut, carrots, and pineapple. [I omit the coconut and pineapple.]
3. Pour the batter into the prepared pans. Set on the center rack of the oven and bake until the edges have pulled away from the sides and a cake tester inserted in the center comes out clean, 50 minutes.
4. Cool on a cake rack for 3 hours. [as if I would wait that long!]
5. Fill and frost the cake with the cream cheese frosting.
Cream Cheese Frosting
8 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
6 tablespoons (3/4 stick) unsalted butter, at room temperature
3 cups confectioners’ sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Juice of 1/2 lemon (optional)
1. Cream together the cream cheese and butter in a mixing bowl.
2. Slowly sift in the confectioners’ sugar and continue beating until fully incorporated. The mixture should be free of lumps.
3. Stir in the vanilla, and lemon juice if desired.
Frosting for a 2-layer cake
Filed under: Commentary, food, Sunday Salon Tagged: | Commentary, food, Sunday Salon











Birthdays always leave me feeling melancholy, but I hope you have a lovely day, Jill, full of beautiful words and music and simple joys.
Carrot cake is my favourite, so I’ll have to try this recipe sometimes – and yes, definitely without the coconut!
Hope your birthday is a wonderful one. Carrot cake is a great choice but I do like pineapple in mine!
Happy birthday to you! I hope you have a fabulous day full of beautiful words and music.
I have felt esprit d’escalier too many times to count, but I just figured it was because I’m not that sharp.
I love carrot cake! Great post today! I really enjoyed read it.
Ah, I adore the existence of the phrase esprit de l’escalier — although I do emphatically not adore the phenomenon. The phenomenon’s a bitch. :/
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday, Jill! Have your cake and eat it too…
Happy Birthday – and melancholy was mine as well this year. This completely represents my thoughts a couple of weeks ago on my birthday. Enjoy your day and enjoy your reading! And I’m with you on carrot cake – no extra stuff to it, please. There’s no need to jazz it up with pineapple, etc. It’s perfect just the way it is.
Hope you have a wonderful birthday.
Happy Birthday, Jill. The best birthday celebrations are filled with gifts and cake and smooches and laughter. I hope you get them all today.
Happy Birthday, Jill! I used to be not only melancholy but downright depressed on my birthdays between the ages of 16 and 69. On my 70th I finally came to terms with my age and so birthdays 70 and 71 have been, although not ecstatic, at least content. I’m not sure how old you are but I know you’re much younger than I am, so maybe there’s hope for you yet. Enjoy your cake and your day.
Happy Birthday! I have one coming up too, and even with all the gray hair, feel nothing but increased opportunities in front of me.
I hope you enjoy your day!
Happy Birthday, Jill. Birthdays are milestones to move ahead. Not to feel melancholic…
Those two words certainly define me at various moments. The joys of aging right? Happy birthday!
I have these moments as well. I am the queen of rehashing conversations in my mind and wishing I’d been clever enough to shout out in the heat of the moment. As far as ruminating on life’s back nine, I become sad sometimes but I also think about seeing my kids become contributing adults (hopefully) and spending more time with my husband at the beach. I have long long lists of the things I will do once they head out to college.
Happy birthday! Have a big share of carrot cake…that will fix melancholy!
Of the two phenonmena that you spoke of, torschlusspanik is the one that I think gets me the most. I’m not usually melancholy on my birthdays…I’ve actually enjoyed getting older so far. However, the pain in my shoulders and knees, the need for a nap ever afternoon, and my diminished stamina all make me long for certain aspects of youth…oh, to be physically strong as I was in college and have half the attitude I have today
Happy Birthday!
Gate-closing panic! The Germans have all the best words.
Happy birthday, darling bean.
Happy Birthday Jill! I agree with Raych – the German language seems to have an expression for just about everything, and some of those expressions are just too fun.
I’d never have thought of using baby food carrots for carrot cake. The only thing I disagree about with carrot cake is coconut, which I think makes any dessert better.
Happy birthday, Jill. And thanks for introducing me to the word “esprit d’escalier.” I know the concept well but had no idea there was a word for it!
I can relate to your feelings as well, and though birthdays are always exclaimed over in our house, I do get a little somber on mine every year too. I am appreciative of your post today, because it gives name to feelings that I have felt before, and didn’t know how to express. I do wish you a very Happy Birthday over there, and concur that a huge slice of fruitless and nutless carrot cake might be the perfect thing for celebrating today. I have a recipe that I like, but since one can’t have enough carrot cake, I will be clipping yours as well.
Happy Birthday! I love carrot cake.
Happy Birthday Jill! This post kind of depressed me, though.
Happy Birthday! You are such a gifted writer…loved how you described this part of your life
I hit the same point in life that Barbara did but much earlier, thank goodness. I think around 40. My life has not been all that I hoped it would, but it has been more than I expected. And like the song says “I’m still here!” After a certain age, that really counts for something.
Happy birthday. It’ll get better. Just you wait and see.
Happy birthday!! Learned something new – esprit d’escalier. huh?
Happiest of birthdays, my melancholy friend! You were bringing me to tears there!!! You have such a youthful spirit and such a fun wit that I can’t imagine you having too many missed opportunities for “zingers.” I wish you the happiest of birthdays and many many more!
Happy birthday! Birthdays used to leave me feeling “meh” but I realized that it was time for me to start celebrating them. I’m never guaranteed another birthday and I would like to think that I celebrated my last.
May you have many more birthdays! *Hugs*
Happy Birthday!! If a birthday hits me while I am in one of my blue moods, then the birthday ends up being a bit depressing. The whole, another year older blah blah…
BUT, if the birthday hits when I am in an up mood, which is like 98% of the time. then I stretch out the goodness for as long as I can.
I hope yours came during an up mood
Happy, happy birthday, Jill!! Prufrock and carrot cake–the perfect combo (you quoted two fave passages).
Go ahead–eat the peach. This year, and for many many more.
I got here just in time to wish you a happy birthday without being late! A fellow Libra, yay! I think it’s okay to be a little sad at birthday time, it is good to reflect on days gone by. Just as long as it doesn’t last too long
Starting in my mid-30′s I felt my biological clock tick, tick, ticking away and it left me feeling anxious around birthday time each year. This year I’m not feeling that anxiety (don’t have the energy for it, haha) but am feeling old. I’m sure I’ll get to the embracing 40 at some point, but probably not before it actually happens.
Ah, growing old. At least that term still has the word GROWING in it. Thank goodness, those ‘they’ people haven’t been successful with the term, “I’m rotting old.” …
Enjoy your melancholy panic and your cake. It’s all supposed to be a journey and at some point, we ‘get’ it, right? Still, I’m surprised at being in the (ahem) mid-40s; however DID I get to be this age?! It just doesn’t seem true.
Happy HAPPY Birthday!!
Happy Birthday! thanks for sharing your idea of using baby food carrots!!! Love it.
Vicky
Happy Birthday Jill! We love carrot cake (no raisins please…LOL)
Hope the next year is special for you.
Hope you had a wonderful day and enjoyed a second piece of cake. I love the Silver Palate carrot cake recipe, too.
Happy birthday, Jill! I can’t believe I’m a day late – and of course yesterday was the one day I didn’t hop onto Facebook on my pc. Sigh. Hope you had a fabulous day!!
Happy belated birthday! I love carrot cake but I’ve never attempted to make it from scratch.
Happy belated birthday, Jill! Sorry for the late wishes, but real life has been SO insane for the past five days or so (lots of relatives visiting)! I hope you were able to enjoy some delicious carrot cake (perhaps you were even lucky enough that your husband did the baking?!?). I’ve never seen a recipe that calls for pureed carrots, but I love that you use baby food carrots instead! Also, if you can believe it, I was reading about uses for hummus the other day (other than as a dip), and someone said you could use it as a substitute for carrots in carrot cake! That just sounds so gross to me!
Oh Happy Happy Happy birthday Jill!! I hope it was a truly spectacular day and don’t fret over getting older. There is a bit of loss not being able to experiencing some of those firsts again, but there are still so many firsts, right?
And love that image of the Prufrock poem! That’s always been one of my favorites and what a great way to portray the sentiment!